


Closet Case

by track_04



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Human Castiel, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-28
Updated: 2011-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-14 18:39:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/518310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/track_04/pseuds/track_04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas learns about healthy eating choices. Dean's life is hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Closet Case

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt given to me by peroxidepest17 asking for human!Cas on a health kick (and, of course, tormenting Dean with it as he does). Takes place sometime in an AR season 5 where Cas is fully human.

The last thing that Sam expects to find when he opens Bobby's hall closet in search of a book on Nordic funeral rites is his brother hunched up on the floor, wedged into the space between stacks of boxes and dusty books and devouring a cheeseburger like his life depends on it.

Dean looks up at him with wide eyes and mumbles something unintelligible around a mouthful of meat and cheese.

"What? Dean, what in the hell are you doing eating a cheeseburger in Bobby's closet?"

Dean reaches up and yanks Sam forward into the closet with the hand not wrapped around the cheeseburger and swallows, managing by some miracle not to choke. "I said shut up and shut the door before Cas figures out where I am."

Sam frowns, trying to force dusty coats out of the way so he can give Dean the full weight of his disbelieving stare. "Are you in here hiding from _Cas_?"

"I am not _hiding_. I'm protecting my investment." Dean glares up at him, cheeseburger still clutched protectively in one hand.

"Your investment? Dean, that's a cheeseburger."

"And it's going to be trash pretty soon if you don't stop talking so loud and Cas finds us." Sam rolls his eyes, watching Dean take another bite, chewing so quickly that it's surprising he can even taste what he's eating.

"And you're hiding in a closet from an Angel of the Lord, why?"

"Because someone had to go and teach him all about their girly ass eating habits and now he's on some sort of freaking crusade from God to make me eat a balanced diet. Which basically means that he never wants me to eat anything that tastes good ever again. Now, would you please get out of here and let me finish my cheeseburger in peace?"

Sam can't help but laugh. The fact that his brother is scared enough of Castiel to hide from him in Bobby's closet, of all places, is hilarious.

"Laugh it up, chucklehead. I'm getting you back for this."

"Oh, come on, Dean. You're the one that said we needed to teach Cas how to be human. I was just trying to help." Sam must sound less sincere than he's aiming for if the look that Dean shoots him is any indication, but he can't really bring himself to care. Even if Dean does do something in retaliation--which, knowing Dean, is more a matter of _when_ he'll exact his revenge than _if_ \--it'll be worth it. Sam is going to have prime mockery material for years.

"I meant teach him about normal human things like which channels have the best late night soft core porn and the best flavors of pie. Not your freaky health nut crap."

"Well, sorry I didn't want the angel to end up with scurvy from eating the same crap that you do."

"I've been eating this way for years and I'm fine. It's not going to kill Cas to have a beer and a slice of pizza--"

"Dean."

Sam has to admit, it's impressive that Cas can still pull off the stern, smitey angel schtick even without all that phenomenal cosmic power there to back it up. It's even more impressive that he can do that and look so completely and utterly disappointed at the same time, like Dean has kicked his puppy, shot Bambi's mother, and then told him there was no Santa Claus all in the same breath.

"Hey, Cas. I thought you were helping Bobby out back."

"He needed me to retrieve some tools." Cas' eyes slide down, settling on the cheeseburger that Dean's practically cradling against his chest, his frown deepening. "I thought you'd given up red meat."

"I was just... I thought I'd have one more. For old time's sake," Dean mumbles, throwing the angel his best I-swear-I'm-not-up-to-no-good smile before looking away with a soft curse. Cas just stares at him, head tilted slightly to one side and forehead furrowed in a look that could be annoyance or concern or both.

Sam smothers his own, far more amused, smile and watches one of the more awkward stare offs he's ever seen between his brother and the ex-angel. Given their history, that's saying a lot.

"Sam bought it for me."

"What? I did not!" Sam looks over to see that Cas has transferred his disappointed look to him. "Cas, don't tell me you believe him."

If anything, Cas turns up the disappointment. Sam would be impressed if he weren't so uncomfortable. "Dean's health is very important, Sam."

In the closet, Dean sighs loudly and puts the remainder of the cheeseburger in the take out box cradled in his lap, shutting the lid and giving it one last, sad look before he holds it out to Castiel with a defeated sigh. Sam almost feels bad for him as Cas takes the box from him. It lasts for all of five seconds, until Dean looks up at Sam and cocks an eyebrow. "I'll have you know that I'm not falling for your red meat filled tricks again, Sam. No matter how hard you try to undo all of Cas' hard work."

" _What_? You're the one who--" Sam looks at Cas, his eyes wide as the angel's expression hardens. "Oh, come on. Cas--"

"Perhaps you should start eating with Dean and I so you can avoid temptation, Sam." Cas turns and walks back down the hall and Sam turns to glare at his brother, who's now standing just outside the closet, snickering.

"What the hell, Dean."

Dean claps him on the shoulder. "Sorry, Sammy, but if I'm going without cheeseburgers for the foreseeable future, I'm taking you down with me."

"You're such a jerk."

"And you're a bitch." Dean claps him on the shoulder. "Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a pie hidden down in the panic room with my name on it."

"I'm telling Cas!" Sam yells after him, deciding his next lesson in being human for Cas is going to involve introducing him to Bubble Gum Pop and gay porn.


End file.
